Lockdown Life: Third time’s a charm?

So, how’s lockdown 3 going for you?

I feel as if we are in some kind of suspended reality — nothing’s bad, but nothing’s good either. Civilisation is teetering on the edge of a rocky cliff, swaying back and forth between the safety of dry land or a sheer drop and eventual doom.

The first lockdown dropped like a bad album launch, we all pensively listened and groaned at these new rules that changed daily, but honestly, for me it was quite exciting for the first couple of weeks. Almost as if we were the extras in a poorly made ‘end of the world’ flick and got to watch lead characters try and fix global problems.

Lockdown Two was a little different, we now understood what boredom could do to you mentally and physically. This was brought along by the noticeably expanding waist bands and poor sleeping patterns from all the homemade sourdough loaves & secret stashes of sweets. So, it was all about moving your body and massaging your mind. With furlough extended I took it all in my stride with a strong smile on my face — life was good in Lockdown 2. Albeit Groundhog Day on repeat without Bill Murray’s comedy timing. I loved ‘the big pause’. I needed it. Years of burning the candle from both ends, spending weekends boggle eyed and bushy tailed, like a crack fox with better hair, was catching up with me — and if I am truly honest, pre-lockdown I didn’t quite recognise the character I had created for myself. I blame Deliveroo, but that’s a different story.

This 3rd lockdown I have felt shaken and slightly insane — like a bitter cocktail you wish you had never ordered. Which is why it has been so long since I’ve written a thing. My dreams are the sum of all my fears. I’ve dreamt of aliens, climbing, falling and flying. But far worse than any impeding invasion, I’ve had long lost, old friends and ex-squeezes get back in contact with me too. Which for some would be a horror film unfolding but for me, it has been eye opening and somewhat healing. All for the better of course, for the good of the English-speaking world and life going forward — yet still, it’s been a hopscotch to not get drawn into feeding those old feelings. Especially when you are lonely in lockdown. Memories of past times have caught up with me and I’ve had to deal with those issues which I didn’t think I’d ever needed to experience again. This is just the top soil of the problems, I daren’t dig any deeper. All because of the pandemic. We really don’t deserve this at all. It’s gut wrenching. It’s been brutal; but needed?

At first, I was so happy to see the end of the world and not just for the eventual destruction of the human race and watching the earth’s core bursting through with lava — Pompeii style. We’ve taken it for granted, so why not have a global panic that puts us back on the right track. But now, all I want to do is see my friends and have a naughty night out. Stuff the conspiracy theories, I want a hug! I long to step outside and see the streets of London busy again, to get wedged inside the central line rush hour, to see a bus full, upstairs and downstairs, to be able to sit in a room or pub in good company without wearing a mask. Oh, the joy of being able to step inside a restaurant and be able to taste food which was cooked neither by my mother nor my grubby little hands would be life changing right now. I was addicted to delivery and takeaway before it all kicked off, but now all I pine for is cooking a hearty meal for friends. I may still order sides from the app though; this dinner party hack is still TBC.

So many innovative things are coming out of lockdown — there are some who are flourishing (not mentioning Amazon) but there are companies and individuals who have made millions from other people suffering and it’s horrid. Business is brutal but in times like these; we must think of each other, not just our individual selves…right?

I don’t feel as if this is the end of the world anymore; but it is truly the end of the world as we know it. There is more to come, and we should be prepared for the worst.

But it’s not all bad news. There are some good moments that have come through this pandemic. My family and I are stronger than ever. We have watched so much television together I think I’ve become some kind of movie expert right now. Predicting plot lines and reciting actor’s filmography as if we have been best friends for years. I’m certainly on the cusp of completing the entire catalogue of Netflix, and in some ways, I feel great for it. I’ve started reading again, devouring four actual books in a month. With a turn of a page, I have read my way through January. Bliss.

Thankfully, now the sun is nearly out, I’m getting back into exercise — I’m jump starting my system (mind, body and soul) and apart from the odd snow day here or there I am moving in the right direction again. Podcasts have helped too — who would have thought that this niche way of doing things would actually become such hot property. It seems everyone has a cherished favourite show. Roses growing from the concrete. Creativity is shining through.

‘The big pause’ has been painful and the end is in sight. Yet still I have an itching feeling as though there is more to come — so without friends and family to keep us sane what do we do?

Re-connecting is the answer. I have spent my adult life with loose ends flailing at my sides. I have ignored situations and ostriched my way into avoiding dealing with certain issues head on. So, I decided to stop overthinking and just do it. Easier said than done. But tying up those forgotten ends has been healing. I am thankful for those who have reached out, and in turn I hope those that I contact realise I bring kindness, love and friendship into their world with pure sincerity.

So overall, the good outweighs the bad. The light will always come after the dark. After the grief of sadness and loss, there will always be love, which if you look hard enough is in abundance. After all, life will find a way.